Graduate School Statement Template Page 6
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applicant. The best way to grip your reader is to begin the essay with a captivating
snapshot. Notice how the slightly jarring scene depicted in the "after" creates intrigue
and keeps the reader's interest.
Before: I am a compilation of many years of experiences gained from overcoming the
relentless struggles of life.
After: I was six years old, the eldest of six children in the Bronx, when my father was
murdered.
3. Do Use Personal Detail. Show, Don't Tell!
Good essays are concrete and grounded in personal detail. They do not merely assert "I
learned my lesson" or that "these lessons are useful both on and off the field." They
show it through personal detail. "Show don't tell," means if you want to relate a personal
quality, do so through your experiences and do not merely assert it.
Before: If it were not for a strong support system which instilled into me strong family
values and morals, I would not be where I am today.
After: Although my grandmother and I didn't have a car or running water, we still lived
far more comfortably than did the other families I knew. I learned an important lesson:
My grandmother made the most of what little she had, and she was known and
respected for her generosity. Even at that age, I recognized the value she placed on
maximizing her resources and helping those around her.
The first example is vague and could have been written by anybody. But the second
sentence evokes a vivid image of something that actually happened, placing the reader
in the experience of the applicant.
4. Do Be Concise. Don't Be Wordy.
Wordiness not only takes up valuable space, but also confuses the important ideas
you're trying to convey. Short sentences are more forceful because they are direct and
to the point. Certain phrases, such as "the fact that," are usually unnecessary. Notice
how the revised version focuses on active verbs rather than forms of "to be" and
adverbs and adjectives.
Before: My recognition of the fact that the book was finally finished was a deeply
satisfying moment that will forever linger in my memory.
After: Completing the book at last gave me an enduring sense of fulfillment.
5. Do Address Your Weaknesses. Don't Dwell on Them.
The personal statement may be your only opportunity to explain deficiencies in your
application, and you should take advantage of it. Be sure to explain them adequately: "I
partied too much to do well on tests" will not help your application. The best tactic is to
spin the negatives into positives by stressing your attempts to improve; for example,
The Writing Center: Writing a Grad School Personal Statement
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